In the evenings, when everyone else is asleep, mom and I talk. We are waiting for her “shot” to take effect and see if she needs another, so we have time. Our serious conversations, generally, she initiates. She tells me of what jewelry she has left, who she wants to have what. She talks about where I can find her financial information.That if (when) something happens to her that I will need to do her taxes for 2016 AND 2017. I assure her that it’s ok, that I understand and I am capable of doing it. She tells me that I may need to refund her social security check. Despite her diminished health, here she is taking care of me, worrying about me.
In her worry, she talks about feeling guilty about taking up my time. I try to reassure her that I don’t mind taking care of her. I remind her that she took care of me for a long time and I am returning the favor. I backhandedly ask for forgiveness because, I know that at times that I am not all sunshine and giggles and I can lose my temper. But I want to be kinder. She just grins and says, “No, you are not all giggles.”
Sometimes, I try to ask her questions. Like, do you regret moving in with us? I embrace her answer. “No, I don’t regret it.” There is more to her no but I focus on her not having regret, it comforts me. I have more questions but I can only ask a few at a time. Mom easily looses focus. It is probably an effect of her “shot.”
Tonight, for the first time, she announced that she is ready to die. She stated, “You know what? I wish I wouldn’t wake up in the morning. Not that I want to go but there is nothing for me here.” I told her that I understood why she feels that way. I keep it to myself that I don’t like it. I want her to trust me with her thoughts and feelings. I want to hear more.
For the first time in ages I prayed with her. I hope God heard me and helps her.
I admit, I am sad and scared. I have nearly a decade of my life invested in taking care of her. Up until recently, she has been pretty damn independent. I don’t want her to go. But, I don’t want her to be sick and unhappy. It must be terrible having a body that has forsaken and betrayed you.